Back at it

Time to dust off the old computer and start writing again don’t you think?  There are so many sort of interesting things to talk about.  The reason the blog has not been updated is twofold, one I am a very lazy man and, two nothing really going on .  Obamer president, my taxes are sure to go up, and I will be forced to buy a shitty hybrid.  One good bit of news is people are starting to question the whole global warming sham.  I don’t know why so many of you believed Al Gore in the first place.  If anyone wants to see a funny satire of Al go here.  Even the founder of the weather channel is totally ripping poor fat Al.

 I have found a new favorite way to waste away hours at work.  I make a random political comment and enjoy the argument that ensues.  For example yesterday a simple conversation about the weather escalated into a elderly lady yelling at me.  The conversation as near verbatim as I can remember was: “Looks like it’s going to be another cold one out there.

Old Lady “Yeah this winter has been freezing.”

“Yeah I know, Al Gore was full of you know what.  Global warming is a sham!”

“Now wait a minute; I was in Alaska just last month and the glaciers are melting.  Those poor polar bears are going extinct.”

“Did you realize that there was once a glacier right where we are standing?  Good thing that one melted.”

“You just don’t know what you are talking about!”

“There was a recent finding of polar bears have been around for 120,000 years.  They have survived several climate changes.  Why do you think they can swim?”

At this point the old lady has such a look of disgust on her face that she calls me an idiot and storms off.  It was hilarious.  So on that note I will end the first blog of the new year.  I was really having trouble coming up with new blog topics so I think I will have to create some!!   

 

I QUIT!!! Not Really.

Due to the overwhelming outcry, I have finally decided to re-release my most personal blog to date.  I wrote this entry in about one minute at midnight when I was quite upset.  Some of you might realize that I am speaking about you. I mention no names or specific events so you need not worry of reprisals from my loyal readers.  So without further mundane bullshit here it is.

To whom it may concern, this is my official notice that I am disassociating myself with the human race.   The obvious exceptions being my immediate family and those duties required of my job.  I am tired of the day-to-day crap.  The idle chatter, the gossip, and the groups are slowly driving my insane.  I want out!  The more I tried for acceptance, for I accept all others with the exception of hippies, I realized that I didn’t want to be accepted.  How fucking hypocritical is that.  

 

I am unsure whether the blog will continue or not.  I must discover if its purpose is an outlet for me or for my loyal three readers.  Three may be stretching it!  I am also unsure how long this journey will take me and if I ever truly want to reenter society.  I fully anticipate all those who act as my friend or acquaintance to shun me.  It is ok, you will not miss me; find another fat guy who makes funny and most of the time inappropriate comments.  I am the spare tire who is only needed in emergencies.  I have accepted my role for far too long and I am finally free.  I am intrigued at the outcome of my experiment.  Who knows I might find that the drivel is the key to my happy existence, or I might find that it was a complete waste of time. 

 

So instead of wasting everyone’s time I will end this in the appropriate way

 

FUCK OFF!!   

 

Below the Belt

The hippies have gone too far this time.  MY SON IS RECYCLING!!!!  I got an earful from him yesterday about the importance of recycling and conservation.  The hippie bureaucrats that are running his school are brainwashing the children to further their evil plans.   

The world is adhering to the mass hysteria perpetrated by those filthy scumbags.  Most major retailers are selling canvas bags, low watt light bulbs and anything green.  I can understand why the corporations are doing it though they understand mob mentality and are giving the people what they want, all for profit.  I should start selling my own line of green products and with the proceeds I will buy old tires and light them on fire.  The massive blaze could be seen for miles and the thick black smoke will choke all small animals, and maybe a few children, to death.  Conservation through extermination is my plan.  How can we kill off a few million Chinese or Indians?  Do you think they will fall for a Trojan horse filled with smallpox blankets?  Maybe we can use AIDS. Did you know that it was created by the government to kill blacks.   

Oh great job environmentalists with the bio-fuel craze.  How many riots is it going to take to realize that was a shitty idea?  Corn is for eating not cars.  If you want an alternative to petroleum try the grease in your hair first. 

Can we finally start drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) yet?  I love when Chuck Shumer stated that we wouldn’t see a drop of oil for ten years yesterday, not realizing that if the democrats had allowed the drilling in 1994 we would be receiving it right now.  Fucking moron!!!     

 

All Quiet on the Western Front

I was looking at my blog today and realized that I haven’t written a new entry since December.  The fact of the matter is, nothing is happening.  The hippies are relatively quiet and the major media outlets are generally ignoring their insane rants.  The election is taking up too much of their time to fit in how we are destroying the planet.  This is a great era to live in just not a great for a hippie hating blog.  All their patchouli power is being used to prop up a candidate that can’t possibly win the election.  When you hate America it is pretty hard to become president. 

 

My blogging nemesis, Robb, is wasting his time writing about snow and backpacks; no useful material will come from there.  I am dying for stories.  There was a glimmer of news when a few mansions were torched, but no continuation.  Man I haven’t seen a hippie crying over a dead cockroach in weeks.  Maybe my blog has turned the tide?  Even I am not enough of an egomaniac to admit that.  I am yearning to criticize and belittle.

 

PETA has a story about their “victories” that entails getting Chipotle to change a supplier or two, and saving an elephant for having to be put in a huge bubble.  WOW that is amazing work!!!

 

On a side note a mighty hippie-hating warrior has left my ranks to join another evil corporation that plunders the forests and rapes the oceans.  Continue the good fight you will be missed. 

 

When the next battle begins you, my loyal readers, will be once again immersed in new posts.  If anyone has stories they wish to contribute or items they wish me to comment on please share.  I am also wondering what people’s favorite post is, leave a comment.         

 

There is a God

Jesus spoke to me today in a way that he knew I would understand.  Before today I had never believed that Jesus could speak to us or that he even existed.  Today after waking and sending my son off to school I was home alone.  With several hours before work and no one at home, I decided to take care of a little “business.”  As you, my readers can tell from my blog, I have a very good imagination so I proceeded without the need of material assistance.  About halfway through said business a frightful image popped into my head.  It was the redheaded sea hag!!!  My fright of gingers is well documented and deep rooted and this image stopped me cold.  She wasn’t touching me, just staring with her piercing fire red eyes.  There was no recovering from it.

The only being who could stop my delights would be Jesus, or a supernatural being that I have taken to be Jesus.  He shed light on my transgressions and I will be forever altered.  Only he knew of my work on a blog that was horrifically blasphemous.   How am I to continue a life of wickedness and self-degradation?  Will my third leg be forever a reminder of my sins?  I will keep you, my beloved readers informed as to my well being.  I hate to cut this blog short but I am already late for work.  Today could be a changing point in my life or just a hiccup on my road to hell.  Comments are always greatly appreciated.  Unfortunately no hippies were harmed in the making of this entry.                   

 

From the notepad

This is a collection of topics that were not large enough to warrant their own blog.  Some are meant to entertain, some to teach, and others to vilify.  This is only Volume I. 

ACCEPTANCE

           

            Why is it that society is forcing us to accept everyone?  GLAAD instructs us that being gay is natural.  PETA informs us that animals should be treated like humans.  NAMBLA tells us that men have a natural attraction to boys and should therefore be accepted.  Here is their mission statement, “Our goal is to end the oppression of men and boys who have freely chosen, mutually consensual relationships.”  If I am being forced to accept the man who looks like Alice Cooper but wears a dress why can’t these same individuals accept me?           

 I love eating meat.  I couldn’t care less about the impact we are having on the earth.  I detest hippies; hell I started a blog to tell you that.  I don’t care if terrorists have rights or are slaughtered by the thousand.  STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME!!  If you can’t adopt a kid because you’re gay, that is the consequence of your actions.  If you have tattoos or piercings all over your face it will be harder to find a job, dumbass.  I am fat therefore I will not get a job as a model.  Do I cry about it?  No, I made the decision to eat an entire pizza or a box of swiss cake rolls.  Racial profiling is a good idea.  The statistics are Muslim extremists are trying to blow us up; they should all be strip-searched.  Fat people should be forced to pay more at a buffet.  It’s life people deal with it.     

           

TORTURE

             Hippies should be rounded up and tortured.  Not in the normal definition of the word.  Their torture would be shaving of the head and baths.  A little delousing wouldn’t hurt either.  Why must they think dreadlocks are cool?  “Lets clump our hair into bunches so we can keep our lice warm.  The lice have a right to life.”  

 GREEN            

 They have now gone too far.  Why must everything be green?  There is a new fad called the global warming diet.  This lunacy states that if we walk instead of drive the earth will die slower.  Fuck you I love my car.  Another edict of the diet is to eat less red meat.  Less cows being slaughtered means less energy it takes to slice them up and less trucks needed to drive them to the market.   The liberals who last year hated Christmas but eventually lost that battle have redirected their efforts to make Christmas green.  They promote renting a living tree, wrapping your presents in magazines, and forgoing cards.  Christmas should be sacred, not for religious because fuck Jesus, but for the promotion of family ties.         

 

Attempted Murder

The dreaded hippies are after me.  You as my loyal readers will remember a few months back when my enemies tried to poison me.  Well, they have attempted to end my life again; my car was “leaking” brake fluid.  Also throughout the lifespan of my blog there have been several separate instances of screws imbedded into my tires.  The hippies are afraid to attack me directly so the cowards hide in the shadows.  These feeble attempts on my life will not succeed.

 

 

I might be worried were it not for the fact that they are both intellectually and physically weak.  Some of there best ideas involve lying down and holding hands.  How much pot do you have to smoke to think this is a viable plan to stop a war?  Their repulsive physical attributes can only be accredited to a steady diet of lettuce and alfalfa sprouts. 

  

The hippies have succeeded in removing my wonderful gas-guzzling car for a few days.  My replacement vehicle is an eco-friendly Hyundai.  I know it may seem hypocritical to drive this car, but it is free.  My dollars are better served hiring private detectives to hunt down these devils and murder them in their sleep.  They will never succeed in silencing me!!!      

 

The power of clothes

Why is it that an article of clothing can change our mood?  Everyone I am sure has a favorite shirt, a pair of soft slippers, or a ratty pair of sweatpants, but do you have one that emboldens your body and spirit?  For hippies I am sure it is the tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt.  For the political hippie it is the “I hate Bush” pin, shirt, hat, etc…  For Robb I am sure that it is that horrible black hoodie that never escapes his skin.  Livius adores the button down shirt to show off his man hair.  For me, my superpowers reside in an apron.  Laugh if you will, but I have found my Excalibur. 

 

This is no lady’s kitchen apron, but one that is used where men are working.  This is where man carves his destiny into wood, metal, or leather.  Where animal’s blood is wiped off hands.  The apron stands for America before the hippie curse!!!  When men didn’t go to salons and wear perfume, and where a man’s honor was all he had.  Men were judged by the look in their eyes and the strength of a handshake. 

I am going a little of topic with this blog but I am trying to convey the spirit and passion one must have when facing an entrenched enemy.  Every man is a superhero, but he must find his powers.  What is a superhero without his outfit, just a regular guy.  My powers reside in an apron, but this apron is truly a cape. 

 

I QUIT

This post has been temporarily removed due to content.

 

At a crossroad

What has America become?  We are a nation that tells our children mediocrity is ok.  No one should be singled out for excellence: everyone wins just for trying.  My son came home from school yesterday and I asked him about his day.  After a few minutes of general banter he relates his experiences in gym class.  Apparently the school system has a problem with athletics and therefore has “progressed” to promote pussification.  He will be spending his year playing with ribbons, going for walks, and bouncing a ball to himself. 

 

Right now you must be asking yourself “What does this have to do with hippies?”  The correlation is hippies are even becoming weaker.  Instead of having marches many hippie organizations are utilizing Virtual Marches.  It may be that their legs have become so brittle that a mile march would leave them crippled.  God forbid they actually have to get off their smelly couch, put down the bong, and go out. 

 

The hippies are even celebrating their pansification.  The Human Society is fighting the good fight against cruelty to hens.  They have decided to target Wendy’s.  No don’t bother trying to stop the millions of cows that meet their delicious end at the hands of the fast-food giant.  They even go on to congratulate Burger King in the article.  Talk about a complete waste of time and energy.  Maybe the hens enjoy the cramped living space or even the closeness of the walls aids in depositing the eggs. 

So to summarize the hippies are becoming a group that not worth fighting only pity.  Instead of ranting about their hypocrisies and expanding the cracks in their logic we should pat them on the head tell them “everyone is a winner,” and move toward something relevant in the world.