There is a crisis for all concerned citizens living in the lake county area; a hippie gathering point is located just to our North.  The Bristol Renaissance Faire is a breeding ground for all types of hippies and others who sympathize with their cause, i.e. nerds.  Approaching the Faire this past Saturday with great trepidation, I realized the enormity of the infestation.  These folks were in rare form, singing and dancing horribly to badly played music, performed by a man with a lute and a ridiculous hat.  It would be almost comical were it not within twenty minutes of my house.  All around me the dregs of society were gathering, laughing, and thoroughly enjoying themselves instead of hiding in their parents basements playing Dungeons & Dragons. 

 

Within this commune there were puffy pirate shirts and fedoras abound.  Fat guys in tight pants with swords they can’t lift, hanging off their belts.  Pimply-faced geeks adorned with bejeweled walking sticks and hats even Harry Potter fanatics wouldn’t wear.  I thought that someone would have shot that guy, who seems to be everywhere, who carries around a snake trying to act cool.  One costume I did like was the whore in chain mail getup except when I noticed it on a trio of whales.  When every hole in the mail is bursting with cellulite, even skinny black guys cannot find you attractive.  (Sorry for the racist generality, but it helps develop the mental image)

 

There were only two redeeming qualities of the Faire: one the beer, and two the capitalistic tendencies of the Faire’s owners.  Everything there cost a fortune to do.  Want to throw an axe it will cost you five dollars, and there isn’t even a hippie to aim for.  I am hoping beyond hope that the Faire is in reality a means to deprive hippies from the precious few dollars that they have managed to mooch.  I must ponder this new theory and its likelihood of success.  Until the Faire’s true purpose is identified proceed with caution, and Livius I have spies there to tell me if you are in costume!  It is not a crime to attend only to enjoy and participate in the skullduggery.  ERIDICATE THE HIPPIES!!!!!