I QUIT!!! Not Really.

Due to the overwhelming outcry, I have finally decided to re-release my most personal blog to date.  I wrote this entry in about one minute at midnight when I was quite upset.  Some of you might realize that I am speaking about you. I mention no names or specific events so you need not worry of reprisals from my loyal readers.  So without further mundane bullshit here it is.

To whom it may concern, this is my official notice that I am disassociating myself with the human race.   The obvious exceptions being my immediate family and those duties required of my job.  I am tired of the day-to-day crap.  The idle chatter, the gossip, and the groups are slowly driving my insane.  I want out!  The more I tried for acceptance, for I accept all others with the exception of hippies, I realized that I didn’t want to be accepted.  How fucking hypocritical is that.  

 

I am unsure whether the blog will continue or not.  I must discover if its purpose is an outlet for me or for my loyal three readers.  Three may be stretching it!  I am also unsure how long this journey will take me and if I ever truly want to reenter society.  I fully anticipate all those who act as my friend or acquaintance to shun me.  It is ok, you will not miss me; find another fat guy who makes funny and most of the time inappropriate comments.  I am the spare tire who is only needed in emergencies.  I have accepted my role for far too long and I am finally free.  I am intrigued at the outcome of my experiment.  Who knows I might find that the drivel is the key to my happy existence, or I might find that it was a complete waste of time. 

 

So instead of wasting everyone’s time I will end this in the appropriate way

 

FUCK OFF!!   

 

All Quiet on the Western Front

I was looking at my blog today and realized that I haven’t written a new entry since December.  The fact of the matter is, nothing is happening.  The hippies are relatively quiet and the major media outlets are generally ignoring their insane rants.  The election is taking up too much of their time to fit in how we are destroying the planet.  This is a great era to live in just not a great for a hippie hating blog.  All their patchouli power is being used to prop up a candidate that can’t possibly win the election.  When you hate America it is pretty hard to become president. 

 

My blogging nemesis, Robb, is wasting his time writing about snow and backpacks; no useful material will come from there.  I am dying for stories.  There was a glimmer of news when a few mansions were torched, but no continuation.  Man I haven’t seen a hippie crying over a dead cockroach in weeks.  Maybe my blog has turned the tide?  Even I am not enough of an egomaniac to admit that.  I am yearning to criticize and belittle.

 

PETA has a story about their “victories” that entails getting Chipotle to change a supplier or two, and saving an elephant for having to be put in a huge bubble.  WOW that is amazing work!!!

 

On a side note a mighty hippie-hating warrior has left my ranks to join another evil corporation that plunders the forests and rapes the oceans.  Continue the good fight you will be missed. 

 

When the next battle begins you, my loyal readers, will be once again immersed in new posts.  If anyone has stories they wish to contribute or items they wish me to comment on please share.  I am also wondering what people’s favorite post is, leave a comment.         

 

There is a God

Jesus spoke to me today in a way that he knew I would understand.  Before today I had never believed that Jesus could speak to us or that he even existed.  Today after waking and sending my son off to school I was home alone.  With several hours before work and no one at home, I decided to take care of a little “business.”  As you, my readers can tell from my blog, I have a very good imagination so I proceeded without the need of material assistance.  About halfway through said business a frightful image popped into my head.  It was the redheaded sea hag!!!  My fright of gingers is well documented and deep rooted and this image stopped me cold.  She wasn’t touching me, just staring with her piercing fire red eyes.  There was no recovering from it.

The only being who could stop my delights would be Jesus, or a supernatural being that I have taken to be Jesus.  He shed light on my transgressions and I will be forever altered.  Only he knew of my work on a blog that was horrifically blasphemous.   How am I to continue a life of wickedness and self-degradation?  Will my third leg be forever a reminder of my sins?  I will keep you, my beloved readers informed as to my well being.  I hate to cut this blog short but I am already late for work.  Today could be a changing point in my life or just a hiccup on my road to hell.  Comments are always greatly appreciated.  Unfortunately no hippies were harmed in the making of this entry.                   

 

Attempted Murder

The dreaded hippies are after me.  You as my loyal readers will remember a few months back when my enemies tried to poison me.  Well, they have attempted to end my life again; my car was “leaking” brake fluid.  Also throughout the lifespan of my blog there have been several separate instances of screws imbedded into my tires.  The hippies are afraid to attack me directly so the cowards hide in the shadows.  These feeble attempts on my life will not succeed.

 

 

I might be worried were it not for the fact that they are both intellectually and physically weak.  Some of there best ideas involve lying down and holding hands.  How much pot do you have to smoke to think this is a viable plan to stop a war?  Their repulsive physical attributes can only be accredited to a steady diet of lettuce and alfalfa sprouts. 

  

The hippies have succeeded in removing my wonderful gas-guzzling car for a few days.  My replacement vehicle is an eco-friendly Hyundai.  I know it may seem hypocritical to drive this car, but it is free.  My dollars are better served hiring private detectives to hunt down these devils and murder them in their sleep.  They will never succeed in silencing me!!!      

 

The power of clothes

Why is it that an article of clothing can change our mood?  Everyone I am sure has a favorite shirt, a pair of soft slippers, or a ratty pair of sweatpants, but do you have one that emboldens your body and spirit?  For hippies I am sure it is the tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt.  For the political hippie it is the “I hate Bush” pin, shirt, hat, etc…  For Robb I am sure that it is that horrible black hoodie that never escapes his skin.  Livius adores the button down shirt to show off his man hair.  For me, my superpowers reside in an apron.  Laugh if you will, but I have found my Excalibur. 

 

This is no lady’s kitchen apron, but one that is used where men are working.  This is where man carves his destiny into wood, metal, or leather.  Where animal’s blood is wiped off hands.  The apron stands for America before the hippie curse!!!  When men didn’t go to salons and wear perfume, and where a man’s honor was all he had.  Men were judged by the look in their eyes and the strength of a handshake. 

I am going a little of topic with this blog but I am trying to convey the spirit and passion one must have when facing an entrenched enemy.  Every man is a superhero, but he must find his powers.  What is a superhero without his outfit, just a regular guy.  My powers reside in an apron, but this apron is truly a cape. 

 

I QUIT

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